


Pleasures of the Flesh

by Ilthit



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Body Swap, Dubious Consent, M/M, Masturbation, Missing Scene, Non-Human Genitalia, Sexual Fantasy, Snacks & Snack Food, references to robot sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:01:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24293263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilthit/pseuds/Ilthit
Summary: Rimmer has a body now, however temporarily, and he intends to enjoy it. Even if it's Lister's. Especially if? Set during "Body Swap".
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24
Collections: Banned Banned Together Bingo 2020, Banned Together Bingo 2020, Trope Bingo: Round Thirteen





	Pleasures of the Flesh

**Author's Note:**

> Tagged "dubious consent" just because I'm pretty sure Lister would have objected to his body being used this way, even if he wasn't in it at the time.

It started as just a good, vigorous rub to get off what Rimmer imagined was years of gunk and GELF sex off Lister's penis—Rimme's penis now, for as long as he had it—but the little smegger's horniness must have been wired into his body, because that massive piece of flesh reacted eagerly to Rimmer's touch. Pulling the foreskin back to give the tip a careful soapy finish made Rimmer throw his head back and very nearly moan. It was so big. How was it so big and yet so sensitive? 

He applied a little pressure, just as a test, and it stiffened in his hand. Well, he could hardly be blamed if he continued now, could he? It was practically a biological imperative. The warm waters of the jacuzzi enclosed his lower half, the jets tickling his—Lister's—testicles, and the stretch of skin underneath. He wormed his hips forward, lifting and parting his knees. The cock pumped into his hand. 

He closed his eyes tightly, to prevent himself catching a sight of Lister's face accidentally in any of the gleaming surfaces around. This time. 

-

There were mirrors in the shower-room. It was practically inevitable. 

Lister's lips opened into an O as he touched himself under the hot steaming stream of water. Rimmer had never noticed before how soft and luscious they looked. Cocksucking lips. He probably did, the dirty little smegger. Anything with a pulse. Maybe that wasn't even a requirement. Kryten probably had appliances Lister could use. Smegging hell. Lister probably had a box of filthy toys hidden somewhere in the ship. The Dwarf was enormous, after all. You could hide entire autoerotic dungeons in its depths. Rimmer himself had rubbers and skin mags in a box under his bed, and no-one had ever so much as looked at it after he'd marked it in red pen as 'schedules'. 

The steam left the mark of his hand—Lister's hand—on the glass of the shower, fingerprints outlined in water and heat. 

-

He held off until the evening, when he had another little wank under the covers. His mouth still tasted like strawberry tart. Having a body was the best thing that had ever happened to him. 

Was it like this for Lister all the time? Could he normally even taste strawberry with that tongue abused with curry and lager? This golden body was wasted on him. This beautiful skin, this gorgeous cock. For a moment, Rimmer imagined another just like it underneath him. It'd be just like Lister, shagging himself. He had once, hadn't he, in another universe, and ended up pregnant. Rimmer's mind excised the femininity of that other Lister's npdu and imagined two of them balled up together in a mess of skin and dreads and tongue. 

Scrubbed, of course. No-one could possibly want them with all those crusty old stains. The slags. 

-

The strawberries turned into crisps and burgers, then pizza and chocolate, and the red wine into beer. Lister's body expanded from softness to roundness, and Rimmer felt no less inclined to put it through the hell of a healthy exercise routine. (Wanking wasn't exercise—he'd checked.) Of course it all went to hell from there. 

-

The Cat's penis had spikes. It just wasn't the same. 

Rimmer wondered if Lister would like the spikes. How quickly he'd have to pull out to spare him. Or if he would—the smegger deserved worse than that just for living when Rimmer hadn't. 

Not that he wanted to have sex with Lister. 

It was all purely theoretical. An intellectual exercise. 

He balmed the weird pink think experimentally, feeling the spikes as bumps under the skin, and imagined Lister's lips around it. 


End file.
